This file has humor about various countries and regions in the United States.
For humor related to a particular state see the Specific
Destinations file. Also see the Travel
file.
Canada
You May Be a Canadian If...
You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just
spilled my poutine".
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and a 2-4 means "Party at the camp, eh!"
You can drink legally while still a teen.
You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic
devices.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it
instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't
want to know if he has!
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties don't always look like that.
You read rather than scanned this list.
Multiple Locations
At these Fahrenheit Temperatures:
+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. Miami residents plan
vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you. New York
City water freezes.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+5 - American cars don't start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-5 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-10 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans
stick tongue on metal objects.
-15 - Miami residents cease to exist. Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas
with you. Japanese cars don't start.
-20 - Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans
shovel snow off roof.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-35 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
-40 - Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans
order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
Heaven And Hell
Heaven Is Where... The chefs are Italian The lovers are French The
police are English The mechanics are German And the Swiss keep the whole
thing running.
Hell Is Where... The chefs are English The lovers are Swiss The
police are German The mechanics are French And the Italians keep the whole
thing running
Tips for Northerners Moving South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You
have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home
the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of
his way. These might be the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you
may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it
is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should,
therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In
either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55mph zone, directly in
the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of
vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position
for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
You live in the Deep South when...
You get a movie and bait in the same store.
"ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean.
You live in the Midwest when...
You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"
Rejected but Realistic State Mottos
Alabama Literacy ain't everything, Ya want fries with dat? We Have
Electricity At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska Come, freeze your butt off 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas At least we're not Mississippi Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California Nobody's actually from here Fast reloading lanes
available Hey, with this many of us, we can make anything legal As Seen
on TV
Colorado Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here If You
Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut Way too close to New York Like Massachusetts, Only
Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware Parking for Dupont employees only You'll need a map to find
us We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees... Senior
citizen discounts available Come, enjoy the humidity Ask Us About Our
Grandkids
Georgia Home of the Rednecks Gateway to Florida We Put the "Fun"
in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii Try our lei-away program Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho Ain't nothing here More Than Just Potatoes...Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois Land of the voting dead Gateway to Iowa Please Don't
Pronounce the "S"
Indiana Home of David Letterman 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa It's easy to spell We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas Hayfever capital of the Midwest Dole slept here There's no
place like home First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky Tobacco is a vegetable Gateway to Nashville Five Million
People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana Swim the beautiful Bayou Cancer Alley's just a name, and
names will never hurt you We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster For Sale You can
spit on Canada from here
Maryland If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us If You
Can Dream It, We Can Tax It A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums Our Taxes Are Lower Than
Sweden's (for most tax brackets)
Michigan Where cars used to come from First Line of Defense From the
Canadians
Minnesota Not Sweden, but we try to act like it 10,000 Lakes and
10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi Why would you want to come here? Elvis was born here,
but heck, even he left Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri Gateway to Kansas Here's mine, Show Me yours We love
company Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana It's where you're wanted Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber,
Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it More corn
than Kansas Go to Kansas, turn north Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too) 2 words - Death
Valley 3:5 you'll leave broke We have our own nuclear testing Two to
one you will come again
New Hampshire Like Old Hampshire, only newer About as exciting as
Vermont Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey Waste not...Send it here instead You Want a ##$%##
Motto?? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!!
New Mexico We have reservations Alien Welcome Center -
Roswell Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York Like we CARE about a motto English spoken here;
sometimes You Have the Right to Remain Silent...
North Carolina We're bigger than South Carolina Tobacco is a
Vegetable
North Dakota The OTHER South Dakota We Really ARE One of the 50
States!
Ohio Don't judge us by Cleveland Proud polluters of Lake
Erie We're easy to spell We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto Rather Sooner
than later We're OK, you're NOT! Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon As pretty as California but not as weird You can see the
sunset from here Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania Free lube job with oil change Freeway On-Ramps - What's
That? Cook With Coal
Rhode Island Size ain't everything Nobody famous came from Rhode
Island We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina Settled by prisoners, what do you expect Just south
of North Carolina Where the Civil War is Never Over
South Dakota To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS Closer Than
North Dakota
Tennessee To stay here, you'd HAVE to be a Volunteer! A great
fixer-upper The Educashun State
Texas See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas! Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I
speak English)
Utah At least our sheep can't talk Our Jesus Is Better Than Your
Jesus
Vermont Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns Yep
Virginia Please don't confuse us with West Virginia! Who Says
Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington If we'd meant DC, we'd have said DC, stupid We like our
state, so STAY OUT! Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C. Seattle is NOT our capital, WE are the
CAPITAL! Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio... One Big
Happy Family - Really!
Wisconsin Come Cut Our Cheese Land of funny accents Say
"Cheeeese"
Wyoming The nation's best beef cattle. Watch where you step More elk
than people, but not much traffic Wynot?
