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Q&A: Romatic Love & Marriage, Dharma
for Children & Teenagers
by
Venerable Thubten Chodron©
What does Buddhism say about romantic love and marriage?
Romantic love is generally plagued with
attachment, which is why many marriages end in divorce. When people
fall in love with an image they created of the person, instead of
with the actual human being, false expectations proliferate. For
example, many people in the West unrealistically expect their
partner to meet all of their emotional needs. If someone came up to
us and said, "I expect you to always be sensitive to me,
continuously support me, understand me no matter what I do, and meet
all my emotional needs," what would we say? Undoubtedly, we would
tell them that we are one limited being, they had the wrong person!
In a similar way, we should avoid having such unrealistic
expectations of our partners.
Each person has a variety of interests and
emotional needs. Therefore, we need a variety of friends and
relatives to share and communicate with. Nowadays, because people
move so often, we may need to work harder to develop several stable,
long-term friendships, but doing so strengthens our primary
relationship.
For a romantic relationship to survive, more
than romantic love is needed. We need to love the other person as a
human being and as a friend. The sexual attraction that feeds
romantic love is an insufficient basis on which to establish a
long-term relationship. Deeper care and affection, as well as
responsibility and trust, must be cultivated.
In addition, we do not fully understand
ourselves and are a mystery to ourselves. Needless to say, other
people are even more of a mystery to us. Therefore, we should never
presuppose, with a bored attitude that craves excitement, that we
know everything about our partner because we have been together so
long. If we have the awareness of the other person being a mystery,
we will continue to pay attention and be interested in him or her.
Such interest is one key to a long-lasting relationship.
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How can Buddhism help our family life?
Family harmony is extremely important, and
divorce is traumatic for adults and children alike. If adults see
the main purpose of marriage as pleasure, then arguments and the
breakup of the family come about more easily. As soon as people
don't get as much pleasure as they want, discontent sets in,
quarrels ensue and the marriage collapses. Many people go on to have
numerous partners, but still fail to find satisfaction. This is a
clear example of the way in which clinging to one's own pleasure
brings pain to oneself and others.
If both partners hold the Dharma as the center
of their relationship, their relationship will be more satisfying.
That is, both partners, are determined to live ethically and to
develop their loving-kindness toward all beings impartially. Then
they will support each other to grow and to practice. For example,
when one partner becomes discouraged or starts to neglect Dharma
practice, the other can help him or her get back on track through
gentle encouragement and open discussion. If the couple has
children, they can arrange for each other to have time for quiet
reflection as well as time with the children.
Although raising children is time-intensive,
parents should not see this as antithetical to Dharma practice. They
can learn a lot about themselves from their children and they can
help each other work through the challenges of parenthood in the
light of Buddhist values.
Influenced by contemporary trends in psychology,
many people have come to attribute most of their problems to
childhood experiences. However, if this is done with an attitude of
blame -- "I have problems because of what my parents did when I was
a child" -- it sets the stage for them to feel guilty and fearful
that they will damage their own children when they have families.
This kind of anxiety is scarcely conducive to healthy child-rearing
or to feeling compassion for ourselves. Viewing our childhood as if
it were an illness that we have to recover from only damages us as
well as our children."
Although we cannot ignore detrimental influences
from childhood, it's just as important to pay attention to the
kindness and benefit we have received from our families. No matter
what our situation was when we were growing up, we were the
recipients of much kindness from others. Remembering this, we allow
ourselves to feel the gratitude that naturally arises for those who
have helped us. If we do, we also can pass that same kindness and
care on to our children.
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I have children. How can I
meditate or say prayers in the morning when they need my attention?
One way is to get up earlier than your children.
Another idea is to invite your children to meditate or chant with
you. One time I was staying with my brother's family. My niece, who
was about six or seven at that time, used to come into my room
because we were the first two to wake up in the morning. As I was
reciting prayers or meditating, I explained to her that this is a
time when I am quiet and do not want to be disturbed. She would come
in and sometimes she would draw. Other times, she would sit in my
lap. Several times she asked me to sing to her, and I would chant
prayers and mantras out loud. She really liked this and did not
disturb me at all.
It is very good for children to see their
parents sit still and be calm. That gives them the idea that maybe
they too can do the same. If Mom and Dad are always busy, running
around, talking on the phone, stressed out, or collapsed in front of
the TV, the kids will also be like this. Is this what you want for
your children? If you want your children to learn certain attitudes
or behaviors, you have to cultivate them yourselves. Otherwise, how
will your children learn? If you care about your children, you have
to care about yourselves as well and be mindful of living a healthy
and balanced life for their benefit as well as for your own.
You can also teach your children how to make
offerings to the Buddha and how to recite simple prayers and
mantras. Once, I stayed with a friend and her three-year-old
daughter. Every morning when we got up, we would all bow three times
to the Buddha. Then, the little girl would give the Buddha a present
-- a cookie or some fruit -- and the Buddha would give her a present
also, a sweet or a cracker. It was very nice for the child, because
at age three she was establishing a good relationship with the
Buddha and at the same time was learning to be generous and share
things. When my friend cleaned the house, did chores or went places
with her daughter, they would chant mantras together. The little
girl loved the melodies of the mantras. This helped her because
whenever she got upset or frightened, she knew she could chant
mantras to calm herself down.
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How can the Dharma help children? How can we teach the
Dharma to children?
The essence of the Buddha's teaching is to avoid
harming others and to help them as much as possible. These are
values that both Buddhist and non-Buddhist parents want to instill
in their children so that they can live harmoniously with others.
Since children learn largely through example, the most effective way
for parents to teach their children good values is to live them
themselves. Of course, this isn't always so easy! But if parents try
to practice well, their children will directly benefit from their
example.
Growing up with Buddhism in the home helps
children. If a family has a shrine, the children can keep it tidy
and make offerings. One friend and her three-year-old daughter bow
to the Buddha three times every morning. The child then gives the
Buddha a present -- some fruit or cookies -- and the Buddha gives
one back to the child (usually the previous day's offering). The
little girl loves this ritual. Children like music, and the melodies
of prayers, mantras, and Buddhist songs can take the place of the
usual commercial jingles and nursery rhymes. Many parents chant
mantras to their babies when the infants are upset or sleepy, and
the babies react positively to the gentle vibration. In another
family I know, the five-year-old son leads the prayer when they
offer their food before eating. These are simple yet profound ways
for parents and children to share spirituality.
Several Buddhist families could gather together
on a weekly or monthly basis to practice together. Rather than just
taking the kids to Sunday School and letting someone else teach
them, practicing together provides the opportunity for the parents
and children to spend some peaceful time together apart from their
harried schedules. It also enables Buddhist families to meet and
support each other. Activities for young children could include
singing Buddhist songs, prayers, and mantras, learning to bow to the
Buddha and make offerings at the shrine, and doing a short breathing
meditation. Parents and school-age children could role-play
together, creating a scene in which all the characters think of
their own happiness above others' and then replaying it with one of
the characters thinking of others' happiness. Such activities teach
children problem-solving and let them see the results of different
behaviors. Families could also visit Buddhist temples and centers in
the community together.
Reading Buddhist children's books and watching
Buddhist videos are other activities parents can share with their
children. There is an excellent cartoon video of the Buddha's life,
and many children's Dharma books. Informal discussions with children
can be both amusing and instructive, and parents may be surprised
how open their children are to concepts such as rebirth, karma, and
kindness to animals.
Many parents exclaim, "My child can't sit
still!" My guess is that these children have seldom seen their
parents sit peacefully either! When children see an adult sitting
peacefully, they get the idea that they can as well. Sometimes a
parent's quiet time can be shared with their children. For example,
a child can sit on his or her parent's lap while the parent recites
mantras. Other times, parents may want to be undisturbed when they
meditate, and children learn to respect their parents' wish for
quiet time.
Discussion groups work well with teenagers. An
adult can facilitate a discussion about friendship or other topics
of concern to teenagers. The beauty of Buddhism is that its
principles can apply to every aspect of life. The more children see
the relevance of ethical values and loving-kindness to their lives,
the more they will value those traits. Once I led a discussion group
for twenty teenagers about boy-girl relationships. Each person spoke
in turn, and although they were ostensibly talking about their lives
and feelings, there was a lot of Dharma in what they said. For
example, they brought out the importance of living ethically. As the
facilitator, I didn't teach or preach. I just listened and respected
what they said. Afterward some of them carne up to me and said,
"Wow! That's the first time we've ever talked about that with a
nun!" Not only were they able to talk openly in the presence of an
adult about a sensitive topic, but they also understood that
religious people are aware and sympathetic of teenagers' concerns.
In addition, they saw the relevance to their lives.
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As a teacher, how can I teach children to
meditate?
Teaching children how to be kind people helps
both the individual child and society in general. You can discuss
some of the topics in these talks with the children, but without
calling it Buddhism. Many of the things the Buddha taught are not
religious at all. They are simply common sense, and in that way you
can easily discuss them with children and people who are not
Buddhist. For example, there is nothing religious about observing
our breath. It doesn't matter whether you are Christian, Muslim,
Hindu, or Buddhist -- everybody breathes. Thus, you can teach
children how to meditate on the breath and calm their minds. Make
the meditation short so they have a good experience.
You can also talk to them about the kindness of
others and our interdependence on each other. Children shouldn't
always have to hear about the wars their ancestors fought. They can
also learn how they cooperated and worked together for the benefit
of the group. In a social studies class, you could dwell on how
people help each other in society, and ask the children to tell
stories about who has helped them and whom they have helped. In the
case of teenagers, you could discuss Buddhist approaches to working
with emotions in a psychology class. This presents them with a
healthy way to relate to our emotions and to resolve any pain or
harm we have experienced in the past.
One time I was a guest speaker at a high school.
I talked about emotions, relationships with parents, and
expectations. The kids really opened up and we had an incredible
discussion about anger. They found an adult with whom they could
talk about their anger without being judged. Even the teacher was
amazed at how open, honest, and sensitive the students were.
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How can we introduce children to meditation?
Children are often curious when they see their
parents do their daily meditation practice. This can be an
opportunity to teach them a simple breathing meditation. Children
enjoy sitting quietly alongside their parents for five or ten
minutes. When their attention span sags, they can quietly get up and
go in another room while the parents continue to meditate. If
parents find this too disturbing, they can do their daily practice
privately and meditate together with their youngsters at another
time.
Children can also learn visualization
meditation. Most children love to pretend and can easily imagine
things. Parents can teach their children to imagine the Buddha, made
of light. Then, while light radiates from the Buddha into them and
all the beings around them, they can chant the Buddha's mantra. If a
child has a sick relative, friend, or pet, or if a friend is having
problems, the child could visualize that person specifically and
imagine the Buddha sending light to him or her. In that way,
children increase their compassion and feel involved in helping
those they care about.
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What if our children aren't interested in Buddhism?
Should we allow them to go to church with their friends?
Religion should not be forced on anyone. If
children aren't interested in Buddhism, let them be. They can still
learn how to be a kind person from observing their parents'
attitudes and actions.
Classmates are likely to invite their friends to
go to church with them. Because we live in a multicultural and
multireligious society, it's helpful for children to learn about
other traditions by attending their friends' church or temple. When
they do so, we should prepare them by discussing the fact that
people have different beliefs, and thus mutual respect and tolerance
are important. Our children can also invite their classmates to a
Dharma center or Buddhist activities, thus promoting mutual learning
and respect.
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Dharma centers usually schedule events for adults and no
child care is provided. What can we do?
Dharma centers need to gradually expand their
range of activities. Parents who are members could meet together and
discuss how to do this, utilizing some of the suggestions above.
They then can organize family activities or activities for children
at the centers.
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How can we have good relationships with our children,
especially when they're teenagers?
Having an open relationship with teenagers is
important, and this depends on how the parents relate to their
children when they're small. This, in turn, depends on spending time
with the children and on having a positive attitude toward them.
When parents are harried, they tend to see having children as a
hassle -- yet another thing to take care of before they collapse
after a hard day at work. Children pick up on this, often feeling
that their parents don't care about them or don't have time for them
even if they care. Setting priorities is essential in building good
relationships with children. This may mean accepting a job that pays
less but has shorter hours or turning down a promotion that would
have increased family income but meant more stress and less time at
home. Love is more important to children than material possessions.
Choosing to earn more money at the expense of good family relations
may mean later having to spend that extra income on therapy and
counseling for both parents and children!
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Do children need discipline? How do we do that without
getting angry?
Children often provide the best -- and the most
difficult -- opportunity to practice patience! For that reason,
parents are advised to become familiar with the antidotes to anger
that the Buddha taught. Patience doesn't mean letting children do
whatever they want to. That is, in fact, being cruel to children,
for it allows them to develop bad habits, which makes it more
difficult for them to get along with others. Children need
guidelines and limits. They need to learn the results of different
behaviors, and how to discriminate between which to practice and
which to abandon.
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Contentment is an essential Buddhist principle. How can
we teach it to children?
The attitude of contentment enables us to enjoy
life more and experience more satisfaction. I believe one reason
children are discontent is that they are given too many choices
about their sense pleasures. From a young age, they are asked, "Do
you want apple juice or orange juice?" "Do you want to watch this TV
show or that one?" "Do you want this kind of bicycle or that?" "Do
you want a red toy or a green one?" Children -- not to mention
adults -- become confused by being bombarded with so many choices.
Instead of learning to be content with whatever they have, they are
constantly forced to think, "Which thing will bring me the most
happiness? What else can I get to make me happy?" This increases
their greed and confusion. Remedying this doesn't mean that parents
become authoritarian. Rather, they place less emphasis on the
importance of these things in the home. Of course, this also depends
on parents' altering the ways they themselves relate to sense
pleasures and material possessions. If parents cultivate
contentment, their children will find it easier to do so as
well.
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My teenagers constantly come home late. As a parent, I
know I can't control it, but how do I tell myself this is not the
result of my irresponsible actions?
As a parent, you nurtured your child from the
time he or she was helpless and completely dependent on you. At that
time, you were responsible for every aspect of the baby's life. But
as your child grows up and becomes more independent, he or she
gradually assumes that responsibility and you are no longer
responsible for every aspect of his life. Letting go of this is one
of the challenges of parenting.
As parents, you want your children to be happy
and not to suffer. Thus you teach them skills to deal with different
situations. But you can't follow them around their whole lives to
protect them from suffering. That's impossible, and it would be
pretty miserable too! Would you want to follow your teenager around
24 hours a day? Our parents wanted us to be happy, but they had to
let us live our own lives. They taught us skills, and in spite of
all the mistakes we've made, we have managed to stay alive. We've
dealt with our mistakes, learned from them, and moved on. That will
happen to your children too.
It's hard to watch somebody you love -- your
child, spouse, parent, friend -- make a mistake. Sometimes there is
nothing we can do to prevent it. We just have to be there and
afterwards help them learn from their mistake.
Talk to your teenagers about things they are
interested in, whether or not those things interest you. Don't just
talk to them about getting good grades and keeping their room clean.
Talk to them about sports or the latest fashion. Keep the doors of
communication open.
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What are the Buddhist views on
abortion and on teenage pregnancy?
In American society, there is a huge debate
between those who favor pro-choice and those who favor pro-life.
Each side says their position is right and attacks the other. Each
group says their view is right because they care the most about
others. However, I do not see much caring or compassion in this
debate. Rather, both the pro-lifers and the pro-choicers are angry.
Neither has much compassion, which is unfortunate, because in the
case of unwanted pregnancy, compassion is direly needed. Everyone in
the situation needs compassion -- the mother, the father, the child,
and the society. Unwanted pregnancy is difficult for everybody.
Rather than having a judgmental attitude, we need to bring our
compassion to the forefront.
From a Buddhist viewpoint, life starts at the
time of conception. Thus abortion is taking life. But condemning
people who have abortions does not benefit anyone. We need to give
the parents, or at least the mother, support and understanding in
the case of unwanted pregnancy. If we do, there will be a greater
chance for the child to be born. Then, the baby can be adopted or
given to another family to raise. If we as a society can give
support rather than judgmental criticism, it could help save the
lives of those children. I say this because it has touched my life
directly. My younger sister was adopted as a newborn. She was the
result of an unwanted pregnancy. But instead of having an abortion,
her birth mother gave birth. Because of that, I am able to have a
sister who I love very much. I'm very grateful for that.
Here we have to look at the issue of teens being
sexually active. They learn to use their sexuality responsibly in
two ways. First, adults must model wise sexual conduct. That means
that both parents are faithful to each other and do not have
relationships with other people. Second, adults must discuss sex and
birth control with their children, or if they do not feel
comfortable doing so, they should ask other adults to do so. If
parents simply say, "Don't have sex, but we don't want to talk about
it any further," then from whom will teenagers learn? From
magazines, from television, from all the stories they hear from
their friends? Adults need to give them some good and accurate
information and not be so shy about it.
Another factor which encourages teens to use
their sexuality wisely is an atmosphere of love and acceptance at
home. If they don't feel loved and accepted by their parents, sex
becomes more appealing because at least then somebody is caring
about them. It's very difficult to tell teens who don't feel loved
or accepted, "Don't have sexual relations," because they desperately
want to feel close to other human beings. Emotionally they crave
affection, and in addition the hormones in their bodies are making
sexual desire arise. Both of these factors contribute to their
sexual activity. If people create a more loving environment within
families where parents talk with and spend time with their children
instead of just telling them what to do, the children will feel
supported by and bonded to their family. Then they won't have as
much emotional need to be sexually active.
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I
am a therapist and have several Chinese clients. When I ask them,
"Have you communicated with your teenage children about sex?" they
say, "We never touch the subject, because if we tell them about
birth control, they will do more."
Although some people think in this way, I do not
believe this is the case. Each of us lived through adolescence. I
don't think learning about birth control would have propelled me to
be more sexually active. Rather, it would have made me more
responsible. Accurate information about sexual functions and birth
control enables teens and young adults to think more clearly about
these beforehand. They will take proper precautions and think about
situations before they happen. For example, they will know that even
if they use birth control, pregnancy could still occur. That could
make them check, "Am I ready to become a parent?" and "Do I really
care about this other person?" By thinking about these things, they
will learn to discriminate and make good choices.
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From "Buddhism
for Beginners" and "The
Path To Happiness" by Ven.
Chodron | 
Teachings on Audio